Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Saturday, April 16, 2011
It's Weird
Every time I hear a pregnancy announcement, I still get bit by a tinge of jealousy. Note: I have ABSOLUTELY NO desire to be pregnant right now (funny how having a baby who still doesn't sleep through the night will do that to you!)...And I HONESTLY don't think I ever will again. Every time I look at how perfect Jadon is for us, and then think of how many other Jadons there are out there needing to be adopted, my heart grows overwhelmed with longeing to expand our family in that way. Seriously, I dream of the day when we'll be ready to accept that next call that comes (we've already had 2 more opportunities that were difficult to turn down). In my dreams, we soon get a little boy only a few months younger than Jadon, so he can have a close brother, and I can have the twins I always wanted--without suffering through the crazy infant stage! Maybe this little guy might even come from Haiti or Africa or something...And then a few years later, we get a baby girl, maybe from Jadon's birth mom...These are my dreams...but you never know. But obviously, there's no room for me to get pregnant here, and when I hear the horror birth stories of my friends, I REALLY have no problem with that...But still, there's that tinge of jealousy. It must be that maternal instinct. I wish I could shut it off.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mother's Day
For the record, when you want to be a mom and can't, this holiday officially sucks. If I didn't have such a great mom and mom-in-law, I'd boycott it altogether.
The good news is, this time next year I should have a much more optimistic opinion about the day, and Jim had better be buying me some flowers! :o)
The other good news is Jim and I escaped to Lake Arrowhead this weekend and ditched church so I wouldn't be bummed by any of those carnations-for-the-moms celebrations. Holed away in our friends' fabulous "cabin", I'm going to go figure out what Jake does after he and Amy...Oh! I probably shouldn't be giving away these details, huh? Hee hee hee...You'll just have to wait and see.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
"Adopting After Infertility"
So last week we went to our 2nd of 3 adoption-specific classes. It is mandated that we attend "Adopting After Infertility" since we have been unable to produce children of "our own"...Ah bliss!
The closer the evening came, the more uptight I found myself getting. It was as if my mind subconciously realized what the days were leading us closer to. Jim, on the other hand, was merely excited to be able to check one more thing off our ginormous list.
On our way down, I wondered what the other couples there would be like--and how many there would be. I mean, most people we know who are interested in adopting have already had their own child(ren). When we got there, the class was packed! And there were couples of all ages and types. Most of the class was actually pretty boring, but in the middle, they broke us into guys and gals so we could share with the group our infertility story. Lucky me, I was selected to go first in the gals group. I guess that was a good thing. As we went around the circle after me, the stories got longer and longer and more and more emotional. It was actually pretty reassuring to see that we aren't alone on this journey, and actually, we're doing quite well compared to most of them. I was surprised at the anger and inconsolable grief expressed by some of them. I hope adopting a child doesn't just slap a bandaid on some deeper issues that will then affect their adopted child later in life...Funny, the guys group ended about 25 min. earlier than us, and then just had to wait around until we were all through. I asked Jim if the guys just didn't share, or what? He said all of them contributed pretty well, but once they said their piece that was it--no tears or hugs or whatever. Typical! :o) Apparently their first question was did they ever imagine sitting in a circle discussing this. Jim, in typical fashion, piped up and said this was actually why he signed up for adoption. ha!
One of the other things we discussed in the group was the different stages of grief, starting with denial, moving through emotions of anger and depression, and finally ending up at acceptance. We had to think through our own processing, and I realized that I've gone through every stage--sometimes cycling through multiple times!--yet while I'm potentially willing to accept infertility as our permanent "thorn", I really am not fully arrived at acceptance yet. Every month, I still hope. But really, I don't think that's a bad thing...yet.
On that note, I finally just heard back from the doctor's office regarding the laparoscopy procedure. Online research had brought up numbers that looked like the surgery could cost into the thousands of dollars, and when the billing lady said my insurance wouldn't cover it, I was ready to concede forgoing this option. But...when I asked her--full of trepidation--how much it would cost then, she said it would be $300 out of pocket.
Oh!
That's not too bad, all things considered...So...I'm now scheduled for surgery on Friday, April 30, one week after our FINAL adoption interview. Interesting timing. We'll see what God unfolds.
The closer the evening came, the more uptight I found myself getting. It was as if my mind subconciously realized what the days were leading us closer to. Jim, on the other hand, was merely excited to be able to check one more thing off our ginormous list.
On our way down, I wondered what the other couples there would be like--and how many there would be. I mean, most people we know who are interested in adopting have already had their own child(ren). When we got there, the class was packed! And there were couples of all ages and types. Most of the class was actually pretty boring, but in the middle, they broke us into guys and gals so we could share with the group our infertility story. Lucky me, I was selected to go first in the gals group. I guess that was a good thing. As we went around the circle after me, the stories got longer and longer and more and more emotional. It was actually pretty reassuring to see that we aren't alone on this journey, and actually, we're doing quite well compared to most of them. I was surprised at the anger and inconsolable grief expressed by some of them. I hope adopting a child doesn't just slap a bandaid on some deeper issues that will then affect their adopted child later in life...Funny, the guys group ended about 25 min. earlier than us, and then just had to wait around until we were all through. I asked Jim if the guys just didn't share, or what? He said all of them contributed pretty well, but once they said their piece that was it--no tears or hugs or whatever. Typical! :o) Apparently their first question was did they ever imagine sitting in a circle discussing this. Jim, in typical fashion, piped up and said this was actually why he signed up for adoption. ha!
One of the other things we discussed in the group was the different stages of grief, starting with denial, moving through emotions of anger and depression, and finally ending up at acceptance. We had to think through our own processing, and I realized that I've gone through every stage--sometimes cycling through multiple times!--yet while I'm potentially willing to accept infertility as our permanent "thorn", I really am not fully arrived at acceptance yet. Every month, I still hope. But really, I don't think that's a bad thing...yet.
On that note, I finally just heard back from the doctor's office regarding the laparoscopy procedure. Online research had brought up numbers that looked like the surgery could cost into the thousands of dollars, and when the billing lady said my insurance wouldn't cover it, I was ready to concede forgoing this option. But...when I asked her--full of trepidation--how much it would cost then, she said it would be $300 out of pocket.
Oh!
That's not too bad, all things considered...So...I'm now scheduled for surgery on Friday, April 30, one week after our FINAL adoption interview. Interesting timing. We'll see what God unfolds.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
To Laparoscopy or Not To Laparascopy? That is the Question...
So, I just got home from my doctor's appointment--my final attempt to get a second (actually fourth) opinion on our "unexplained" infertility. So that insurance would cover the visit, I did it under the guise of seeking help for another annoying-but-not-serious symptom I've been having that falls in the spectrum of non-fertility-related women's issues (but which I believe could be contributing to not getting pregnant even though three other doctors have said it's nothing to worry about). Well, FINALLY somebody has an explanation that may make sense! Woo hoo! If only the treatment options were as simple...
Since I realize that mixed company may read this, I'll keep the details to a minimum, but here is my new dilemma:
This wonderful new doctor took my descriptions of my symptoms along with what the other doctors tried and said and...she guesses that I may have one of two possible problems:
1--I may have something like polyps in my uterus.
2--I may have a form of endometriosis. This second one shocked me, since I have none of the normal symptoms associated with it (i.e. cramping, discomfort, etc...), but she said she has found other patients with no symptoms at all, and my mild/annoying one is consistent with endometriosis.
And here is the fun part:
The way to identify for sure if either of these is the problem, as well as then the way to treat either of these, is to do a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy. This is a surgical procedure where I will be knocked out, my abodmen inflated, my internal organs moved around, several tools inserted through incisions around my belly button, and then if they find anything (i.e. polyps or endometrial tissue) they will burn and/or scrape them away.
Doesn't that sound lovely?!
So now I find myself in the valley of decision.
My initial reaction is no way! That sounds horrible! The brief research I just did online has not calmed my fears in any way. And it isn't cheap. While they'll have to check with my insurance if I decide to proceed to get the actual price, it looks like it can range from several hundred dollars to one or two thousand dollars! From the beginning of this journey, Jim and I have decided that there are plenty of kiddos out there already born who need a family, and we don't feel comfortable spending a lot of money just so we can have one of our "own".
But...
If I don't do it, will I wonder for the rest of my life if this one procedure could have allowed me to experience pregnancy and childbirth--something I really do think I long for? Yep, for sure. Not to mention, that it should alleviate the "annoying" symptom I mentioned earlier.
But...
We're so close to being done with the adoption process. I anticipate that we'll be ready to go by late April, and we're really hoping/praying that we'll be matched with a kid by the end of summer. So, if this procedure worked, that would be just around the time I might be able to get preggo. But I would really love to be able to enjoy my first baby and my first pregnancy one at a time. I'm pretty sure double duty would stress me out and I'd miss out on a lot of the memories I've looked forward to so long...So, should we postpone the adoption matching process? Or postpone the laparoscopy procedure? Or...?
And, this still might not do anything...So, then, is it worth it?
Urg! While I wage this internal debate, I'm going to go prune my roses and enjoy this glorious day God has given me. Working outside tends to calm my mind and give me clarity. Let's hope it works today!
And meanwhile I ask you, what would you do if you were in my shoes? Help!
Since I realize that mixed company may read this, I'll keep the details to a minimum, but here is my new dilemma:
This wonderful new doctor took my descriptions of my symptoms along with what the other doctors tried and said and...she guesses that I may have one of two possible problems:
1--I may have something like polyps in my uterus.
2--I may have a form of endometriosis. This second one shocked me, since I have none of the normal symptoms associated with it (i.e. cramping, discomfort, etc...), but she said she has found other patients with no symptoms at all, and my mild/annoying one is consistent with endometriosis.
And here is the fun part:
The way to identify for sure if either of these is the problem, as well as then the way to treat either of these, is to do a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy. This is a surgical procedure where I will be knocked out, my abodmen inflated, my internal organs moved around, several tools inserted through incisions around my belly button, and then if they find anything (i.e. polyps or endometrial tissue) they will burn and/or scrape them away.
Doesn't that sound lovely?!
So now I find myself in the valley of decision.
My initial reaction is no way! That sounds horrible! The brief research I just did online has not calmed my fears in any way. And it isn't cheap. While they'll have to check with my insurance if I decide to proceed to get the actual price, it looks like it can range from several hundred dollars to one or two thousand dollars! From the beginning of this journey, Jim and I have decided that there are plenty of kiddos out there already born who need a family, and we don't feel comfortable spending a lot of money just so we can have one of our "own".
But...
If I don't do it, will I wonder for the rest of my life if this one procedure could have allowed me to experience pregnancy and childbirth--something I really do think I long for? Yep, for sure. Not to mention, that it should alleviate the "annoying" symptom I mentioned earlier.
But...
We're so close to being done with the adoption process. I anticipate that we'll be ready to go by late April, and we're really hoping/praying that we'll be matched with a kid by the end of summer. So, if this procedure worked, that would be just around the time I might be able to get preggo. But I would really love to be able to enjoy my first baby and my first pregnancy one at a time. I'm pretty sure double duty would stress me out and I'd miss out on a lot of the memories I've looked forward to so long...So, should we postpone the adoption matching process? Or postpone the laparoscopy procedure? Or...?
And, this still might not do anything...So, then, is it worth it?
Urg! While I wage this internal debate, I'm going to go prune my roses and enjoy this glorious day God has given me. Working outside tends to calm my mind and give me clarity. Let's hope it works today!
And meanwhile I ask you, what would you do if you were in my shoes? Help!
Monday, February 15, 2010
My Prayer Dilemma
Prayer has always been a spiritual discipline I've struggled with. I once heard a quote asking if your prayer life was more of a playground romp or a weightroom routine, with the insinuation that we need serious discipline in prayer, like in a weightroom. But personally, I like the playground more.
Jim's growth in the area of prayer has been amazing over the years. He "easily" knocks out an hour or two every day journaling to God. And he sees results. He regularly has amazing stories of how God has spoken to him or worked in and through him in very tangible ways.
Me, on the other hand...well, amazing isn't the adjective I'd use to describe my prayer life. I scramble to eke out 20-30 minutes with God each morning before I rush off to school, and then the rest of my day is filled with snippets of conversations that are very one-sided (i.e. me talking, not listening very well) and easily distracted. And no surprise, I don't have very many cool stories like Jim.
The past few months I have been particularly struggling in this area, primarily pondering the purpose of prayer. Why do I pray? Why do I ask God for things when I often don't see the results, at least not the results I want?
I guess this struggle has primarily revolved around my continuous struggle with our infertility. I have fasted, I have studied Scripture, I have sought godly counsel, I have been prayed over, and I have prayed, prayed, prayed, and "nothing" has happened. And so, in the last few months I have started to explore that "nothing" and have come to the conclusion that really that "nothing" is actually a very clear "something": God is saying no. And so I have taken that conclusion to others, others who are godly and are passionately praying with me for a pregnancy, hoping for affirmation of what I feel like God might be telling me. Instead what I have mostly received is rebuttal taking a variety of forms, from passive denial and reassurances all the way to a pointed accusation of not having enough faith. Not helpful, let me say.
Jim and I were discussing this a few nights ago, and I admitted that I'm not sure that I see a reason to pray anymore. And then I had to reword myself: I'm not sure that I see a reason to ask God for things anymore. Because lately, no matter what I ask of him, it seems like he does his own thing anyways--whether it be pregnancy, or success for the movie, or changing the hearts of some of my tougher students, or helping a friend out of drug addiction, etc. Jim said it sounds like I'm talking about a pretty weak God, but I said that I'm not calling into question God's strength. In fact, this view actually ascribes full sovereignty to him. But I question what good is it to tell God what I would like him to do when He is infinitely wiser than all of us, and knows what will work best in the grand scheme of things?
So then we discussed the few examples in Scripture where godly people begged God to change his mind, and God relented. But that didn't encourage me, because most of the results weren't all that positive. Moses begged God to not wipe out the Israelites for their rebellion, but really, no sooner than God agreed, they were griping and complaining and disobeying again--for the rest of their history! King Hezekiah begged God for a longer life when he was deathly sick, and God gave it to him, and those years turned out to be his worst years yet, and he ultimately screwed the kingdom over through some poor choices. Hmmmm...
Meanwhile, I still see the value of prayer as just talking to God. As we share our struggles with Him, and even ask him for strength and wisdom and such, I can see how he uses that to draw us nearer to his heart, and then he uses us to be the solution, and that's a good thing. As I talk to God about my students, he changes my heart towards them and helps me see opportunities where I can challenge them or come along side them, etc. As I ask him to help various friends who are struggling, he opens my eyes to ways I can help them. As I beg him to make the movie successful, he reminds me of all the lives he has already changed through it. As I plead with him to give us a child, he breaks our hearts for the needy kids who are already born and need a loving home.
Sure, that totally makes sense. But I am finite, and I get tired, and sometimes I'd rather God just do the dirty work. I'd like to take a break from being his hands and feet. Like the homeless guy on the corner--I'd rather just say a quick prayer for him than pull over, invite him into conversation, and figure out how I can answer that prayer.
So then, my conversation with Jim on this topic turned into me questioning that maybe my view of God limits his compassion, especially if I am his tool of mercy. And I didn't have an answer to that.
So I went to bed.
And then last night at 7-24, after an awesome message about reaching out to the hurting and lonely all around us, based on the story of Jesus with the Samaritan woman at the well, one of the songs we sang just jumped out and hit me.
I'm not even sure what the song is called, but after going through an adaptation of the Lord's Prayer, the chorus goes to this:
"Two things you've told me:
that you are strong
and you love me.
Yeah, you love me.....
Your love is....strong....."
And the tears spilled over onto my cheeks as I felt God was speaking directly to me, saying "I know you're struggling with how this all works together, but Rachel, let me remind you yet again. I love you. And I am strong. I love everyone else. And I am strong. I AM love. And I AM strong. And my love is strong."
I still don't have the answers; I'm still struggling with prayer. But this was such a great reassurance. And then this morning as I was reflecting on this, God reminded me of the rest of the song: the Lord's Prayer. He reminded me that when the disciples were struggling with how to pray, this is the example he gave them. So if nothing else, this is what prayer should be:
Our father in heaven, hallowed be your name--Keep praising God.
Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.--This doesn't answer my questions, but I'll keep praying for his will, not mine, since he knows much better than me. And I'll keep trying to do what I can to bring his kingdom to earth (i.e. his love, gracy, mercy, power, justice, etc.)
Give us this day our daily bread--God has already provided me with much more than food for just today, so I guess there's not much more I need to ask him for. Funny how we forget this!
And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors--confession and passing our own forgiveness on to others. Sure, I could do this more.
Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from the evil one--Yeah, this is a good one.
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen.--Amen! My God is strong. And he loves me. What more could I ask for?
What a ride!
Jim's growth in the area of prayer has been amazing over the years. He "easily" knocks out an hour or two every day journaling to God. And he sees results. He regularly has amazing stories of how God has spoken to him or worked in and through him in very tangible ways.
Me, on the other hand...well, amazing isn't the adjective I'd use to describe my prayer life. I scramble to eke out 20-30 minutes with God each morning before I rush off to school, and then the rest of my day is filled with snippets of conversations that are very one-sided (i.e. me talking, not listening very well) and easily distracted. And no surprise, I don't have very many cool stories like Jim.
The past few months I have been particularly struggling in this area, primarily pondering the purpose of prayer. Why do I pray? Why do I ask God for things when I often don't see the results, at least not the results I want?
I guess this struggle has primarily revolved around my continuous struggle with our infertility. I have fasted, I have studied Scripture, I have sought godly counsel, I have been prayed over, and I have prayed, prayed, prayed, and "nothing" has happened. And so, in the last few months I have started to explore that "nothing" and have come to the conclusion that really that "nothing" is actually a very clear "something": God is saying no. And so I have taken that conclusion to others, others who are godly and are passionately praying with me for a pregnancy, hoping for affirmation of what I feel like God might be telling me. Instead what I have mostly received is rebuttal taking a variety of forms, from passive denial and reassurances all the way to a pointed accusation of not having enough faith. Not helpful, let me say.
Jim and I were discussing this a few nights ago, and I admitted that I'm not sure that I see a reason to pray anymore. And then I had to reword myself: I'm not sure that I see a reason to ask God for things anymore. Because lately, no matter what I ask of him, it seems like he does his own thing anyways--whether it be pregnancy, or success for the movie, or changing the hearts of some of my tougher students, or helping a friend out of drug addiction, etc. Jim said it sounds like I'm talking about a pretty weak God, but I said that I'm not calling into question God's strength. In fact, this view actually ascribes full sovereignty to him. But I question what good is it to tell God what I would like him to do when He is infinitely wiser than all of us, and knows what will work best in the grand scheme of things?
So then we discussed the few examples in Scripture where godly people begged God to change his mind, and God relented. But that didn't encourage me, because most of the results weren't all that positive. Moses begged God to not wipe out the Israelites for their rebellion, but really, no sooner than God agreed, they were griping and complaining and disobeying again--for the rest of their history! King Hezekiah begged God for a longer life when he was deathly sick, and God gave it to him, and those years turned out to be his worst years yet, and he ultimately screwed the kingdom over through some poor choices. Hmmmm...
Meanwhile, I still see the value of prayer as just talking to God. As we share our struggles with Him, and even ask him for strength and wisdom and such, I can see how he uses that to draw us nearer to his heart, and then he uses us to be the solution, and that's a good thing. As I talk to God about my students, he changes my heart towards them and helps me see opportunities where I can challenge them or come along side them, etc. As I ask him to help various friends who are struggling, he opens my eyes to ways I can help them. As I beg him to make the movie successful, he reminds me of all the lives he has already changed through it. As I plead with him to give us a child, he breaks our hearts for the needy kids who are already born and need a loving home.
Sure, that totally makes sense. But I am finite, and I get tired, and sometimes I'd rather God just do the dirty work. I'd like to take a break from being his hands and feet. Like the homeless guy on the corner--I'd rather just say a quick prayer for him than pull over, invite him into conversation, and figure out how I can answer that prayer.
So then, my conversation with Jim on this topic turned into me questioning that maybe my view of God limits his compassion, especially if I am his tool of mercy. And I didn't have an answer to that.
So I went to bed.
And then last night at 7-24, after an awesome message about reaching out to the hurting and lonely all around us, based on the story of Jesus with the Samaritan woman at the well, one of the songs we sang just jumped out and hit me.
I'm not even sure what the song is called, but after going through an adaptation of the Lord's Prayer, the chorus goes to this:
"Two things you've told me:
that you are strong
and you love me.
Yeah, you love me.....
Your love is....strong....."
And the tears spilled over onto my cheeks as I felt God was speaking directly to me, saying "I know you're struggling with how this all works together, but Rachel, let me remind you yet again. I love you. And I am strong. I love everyone else. And I am strong. I AM love. And I AM strong. And my love is strong."
I still don't have the answers; I'm still struggling with prayer. But this was such a great reassurance. And then this morning as I was reflecting on this, God reminded me of the rest of the song: the Lord's Prayer. He reminded me that when the disciples were struggling with how to pray, this is the example he gave them. So if nothing else, this is what prayer should be:
Our father in heaven, hallowed be your name--Keep praising God.
Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.--This doesn't answer my questions, but I'll keep praying for his will, not mine, since he knows much better than me. And I'll keep trying to do what I can to bring his kingdom to earth (i.e. his love, gracy, mercy, power, justice, etc.)
Give us this day our daily bread--God has already provided me with much more than food for just today, so I guess there's not much more I need to ask him for. Funny how we forget this!
And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors--confession and passing our own forgiveness on to others. Sure, I could do this more.
Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from the evil one--Yeah, this is a good one.
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory forever. Amen.--Amen! My God is strong. And he loves me. What more could I ask for?
What a ride!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Disappointment
Has anyone else out there found a remedy for disappointment? OK, I know the ol' trust-in-God routine is tried and true, but sometimes I just get stuck in a little mope-y state of mind.
And right now, I'm just feeling a little disappointed.
I'm disappointed that the Chargers weren't playing in the Super Bowl this weekend, after another DISMAL playoff performance. I mean, seriously! But...give me a moment...*deep breath*...OK, I'm over it.
At a deeper level, I'm disappointed that I haven't been able to get pregnant. Jim and I are healthy, we eat [pretty] well (if you don't count my ice cream and chocolate splurges!), we exercise, we try not to stress, we're financially stable, we have well-balanced personalities...AND all of our tests have come back normal. So why can't we manage to conceive? It boggles me. But, you know what? Even on this one, I think I've rounded the hump of disappointment and am edging toward contentment. There's still a long way to go, but I'll get over it.
But here's the one I'm stuck on: I'm disappointed that To Save a Life hasn't done better in the box office. After another low weekend, we're now dropping down to less than 100 theaters nationwide. After only 3 weeks. Bummer.
What happened? Nearly every teenager that sees it loves it, and they're bringing their friends, and they're changing their lives...Which is exactly what we hoped and prayed for. But we also dreamed that this movement would catch on and spread like wild fire. We prayed that EVERY teen in America that needed it would get to see it. We imagined box office numbers that surpassed everyone's expectations and theater runs that lasted for months. God had wildly exceeded all we could think or imagine throughout this whole film-making process, so why wouldn't he continue to do so now? And while this has never been about the money (we're giving it all away anyways), we had figured it would be easy to break even and pay off all our loans and investors (not gonna happen soon, the way things are looking now!)...
What happened?!
I'm disappointed!
But then Jim and I start recounting all the amazing stories we keep on hearing. Like the one about the girl who dragged her boyfriend to the theater to see it after he tried to kill himself that morning, and he gave his life to Christ and is struggling forward on a path of purpose. Or the guy whose friend called him to invite him to the movie JUST AS he was getting into position to kill himself, and he saw it and gained new hope and courage to live. Or the student who wrote to Jim asking for prayer because inviting new lonely kids to lunch with him everyday is making his friends get annoyed with him, but he's intent now on reaching out to the hurting and the lonely. Or my former student who has come to youth group the last two weeks because atheism wasn't working for him anymore and the movie pushed him to seek out the truth. And these stories are just a drop in the bucket! I'm overwhelmed when I think of all the lives God is changing for good through the message of this film.
And how can I be disappointed in that?
*sigh*
So yeah, when I look at the numbers, and think about what could have been, I can't deny it: I'm bummed. But really, the only number that truly matters in the grand scheme of things is 1...Each 1 is an individual, a life, a human being that God loves so much that he would have died for just that 1. And God has allowed us to play a vital role in changing A LOT of those 1's.
So again, how can I be disappointed in that?
And right now, I'm just feeling a little disappointed.
I'm disappointed that the Chargers weren't playing in the Super Bowl this weekend, after another DISMAL playoff performance. I mean, seriously! But...give me a moment...*deep breath*...OK, I'm over it.
At a deeper level, I'm disappointed that I haven't been able to get pregnant. Jim and I are healthy, we eat [pretty] well (if you don't count my ice cream and chocolate splurges!), we exercise, we try not to stress, we're financially stable, we have well-balanced personalities...AND all of our tests have come back normal. So why can't we manage to conceive? It boggles me. But, you know what? Even on this one, I think I've rounded the hump of disappointment and am edging toward contentment. There's still a long way to go, but I'll get over it.
But here's the one I'm stuck on: I'm disappointed that To Save a Life hasn't done better in the box office. After another low weekend, we're now dropping down to less than 100 theaters nationwide. After only 3 weeks. Bummer.
What happened? Nearly every teenager that sees it loves it, and they're bringing their friends, and they're changing their lives...Which is exactly what we hoped and prayed for. But we also dreamed that this movement would catch on and spread like wild fire. We prayed that EVERY teen in America that needed it would get to see it. We imagined box office numbers that surpassed everyone's expectations and theater runs that lasted for months. God had wildly exceeded all we could think or imagine throughout this whole film-making process, so why wouldn't he continue to do so now? And while this has never been about the money (we're giving it all away anyways), we had figured it would be easy to break even and pay off all our loans and investors (not gonna happen soon, the way things are looking now!)...
What happened?!
I'm disappointed!
But then Jim and I start recounting all the amazing stories we keep on hearing. Like the one about the girl who dragged her boyfriend to the theater to see it after he tried to kill himself that morning, and he gave his life to Christ and is struggling forward on a path of purpose. Or the guy whose friend called him to invite him to the movie JUST AS he was getting into position to kill himself, and he saw it and gained new hope and courage to live. Or the student who wrote to Jim asking for prayer because inviting new lonely kids to lunch with him everyday is making his friends get annoyed with him, but he's intent now on reaching out to the hurting and the lonely. Or my former student who has come to youth group the last two weeks because atheism wasn't working for him anymore and the movie pushed him to seek out the truth. And these stories are just a drop in the bucket! I'm overwhelmed when I think of all the lives God is changing for good through the message of this film.
And how can I be disappointed in that?
*sigh*
So yeah, when I look at the numbers, and think about what could have been, I can't deny it: I'm bummed. But really, the only number that truly matters in the grand scheme of things is 1...Each 1 is an individual, a life, a human being that God loves so much that he would have died for just that 1. And God has allowed us to play a vital role in changing A LOT of those 1's.
So again, how can I be disappointed in that?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
in awe
Well, yet another friend I've been praying for shared the news that she's pregnant this morning. And while I'm absolutely thrilled for her to finally be starting this much-longed-for journey, the news hit me like a sock to the stomach and I've crumbled. The ironic thing is that I've been doing really well with this infertility thing the past month or so. Just a few days ago, I was marveling at the possibility that maybe I've FINALLY surrendered my pregnancy plans over to God. I even reached a point where I realized that I'm so excited about adopting, that getting pregnant now would kind of mess all that up...And then I heard my friend's wonderful news...and all my resolve melted like chocolate in the sun. And I've been a big gooey mess all day.
HOWEVER, God is good, and he allowed me to stumble upon an adoption blog this afternoon that messed me up in an entirely different direction! If you want to be inspired (and challenged!) by a beautiful 21-year-old girl who left the comforts of an affluent life in Tennessee to pour her life into Ugandan children (she has now "adopted" 12 girls with whom she lives there in Uganda, and she has started an AMAZING non-profit organization to provide food and an education to the poorest kids...), then check out http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/
Holi-moli, I am in awe of this girl! The maturity and insight with which she shares her heart for her kids and her ministry is unbelievable. If only I could have 1/10 the heart and courage she has. Wow!!!!
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